Hailey, The Reason We Try Harder

Well here I am back to the beginning not knowing where to start. Days keep going by with me not knowing where the time has gone. I guess I start where I left off. I talked about my doctors appointment on Monday. Tuesday came around, and the home health nurse came in and everything was good. Hailey was really active that day, and that night was the last time I can remember Hailey kicking. On Wednesday the 15, I didn’t feel her move all day. By the afternoon, we called over to the doctor and they told us to come in. We went over to the hospital and they had us go straight over for an ultrasound. It was confirmed that she had passed. I can honestly tell you that I was not devastated, but I felt at peace. My little girl went peacefully, and didn’t have to suffer through anything. I know that Heavenly Father was preparing us by helping us feel that it was time. We were thinking it was time for her to come, but all along it was time for her to go. I was able to understand this, and that it was His will, and it worked out for the best. We didn’t have to worry about her anymore because her mission was done, and we just needed to get her here.



They decided to induce me that night, so we got admitted into a delivery room around 6:00. They started me about 7:45 that night, and we were expecting to get her here by morning. To make a long story short after nearly 28 hours, she was born at 11:37p.m. on Thursday, June 16. I was relieved to get her here, and I know Brett and our families were worn out from being around the hospital for such a long time. I got to hold her first, and it was so wonderful. Her little feet and hands were so cute, and I still couldn’t believe she was mine, and she was so perfect. After holding her for a bit, Brett held her, and then my mom . They then went to weigh and measure her. After holding her, I was thinking she was at least 5 lb, but she ended up only being 4 lb 4 oz and 18 inches long. Brett then got to help bathe her, and get her dressed in a cute little outfit. After she was dressed, everyone else that was there came in and Brett and our fathers gave her a beautiful blessing. We then had a photographer come and take pictures, and I will be forever grateful to him and his service so I can remember my little Angel. Around 2:30 a.m. Brett called the mortuary, and they came to get her about 3:00 a.m. Her little body was so fragile, and we knew that the sooner we got her there, the better. It was hard to watch them take her away, and I wish I could have kept her with me longer, but I was also very exhausted and tired.



On Friday we left the hospital in the early afternoon. When we got home I think it really hit me that we were home empty handed. No more kicks or wiggles and she was really gone. I told Brett that it was so much easier at the hospital because she was right there and I could love and hold her. My heart was so full, but so empty at the same time. The weekend finally went by, and we decided to do her graveside on Wednesday.



On Sunday, Brett and I wrote Hailey’s obituary. When I looked at the date for Wednesday, I realized that we would be doing the service on June 22, Hailey’s due date. Tuesday we were able to go to the mortuary to dress her. She was so beautiful, and looked like a little Angel. She also looked like a doll, and I had to keep reminding myself that she was MY daughter, and not a doll.



On Wednesday we had a short viewing before the graveside for family. I still marvel at how perfect and beautiful she looked. After, Brett and I had to close the casket. I was dreading this part the most out of everything. I totally lost it at this point, and it kind of felt like I was shutting her out of my life. I know that this wasn’t the case, but it was really hard to know that it was the last time I would see her face or hold her little hand in this life. I sat there for a few moments and just sobbed and tried to soak in every little detail of her that I could before we sealed it. We then went to the cemetery where we had a short, but beautiful graveside service. Everything turned out so perfect.



As I look back at all of the events, sometimes it feels like more of a dream than reality. I have had many mixed emotions about everything. Right now, I literally take it a day at a time. I am grateful that I had time to prepare for Hailey to get here. We got to enjoy our time with her, even though it was short. Because her time was short, I hope I didn’t waste away the time that I had. I know that she didn’t need to come here because she is so perfect, but I miss her so much. I know that she is not far, but even this doesn’t fully take the pain away that I feel. Each day brings new obstacles to overcome, but we are managing. I know that I am receiving strength that is not my own to help me through this. I know I said that when she left I was afraid the peace and understanding would leave, but I know that she is helping me even more now so I can find my “new normal” as my sister put it.



I know I always talk about how wonderful Brett is, but I do because it is true. When we came home, I was talking to him about some fears that I have, and he reminded me that now we just need to go forward with faith, and keep on trusting the Lord in everything. I am grateful to him and his example to me, and everything that he does for me. He is the best! I know that I’ve also said this before, but we really have the best family and friends EVER! Everyone has been so supportive, and we appreciate all of the love, thoughts, and prayers that you have offered for us. Thank You! I know much of the strength comes from this. Words will never describe how I feel, and how I miss my little one, but I hope she knows that she is loved and missed so much. I am grateful to know where she is, and that I will get to be with her someday. I am so grateful that not much longer than a year ago I was able to be sealed to my best friend, and know that our children are born under the covenant. Families are forever, and Hailey is my reason to try harder everyday.

Hailey's Obituary

Hailey June Roberts

“Our Little Angel” Hailey June Roberts fulfilled her mission here on Earth June 16, 2011 at 11:37 p.m. as a stillborn infant. Hailey was greeted in Heaven by Grandma Anita Roberts, and Uncles Jacob Frank Roberts, and Spencer Jay Farnsworth. She is survived by her parents Brett and Marisha Roberts of Wales, UT, grandparents Dennis and Beth Ann Roberts of Wales, UT, and Brent and Marsha Farnsworth of Beaver, UT. Although her time here on Earth was brief, she was a pure gift from our Heavenly Father. Her short life has brought so much love, and touched many people’s lives. She is loved and missed by many. A Graveside Service with family will be held on Wednesday June 22, in Wales. Online condolences are available at rasmussenmortuary.com

Hailey June Roberts

Our Perfect Angel

06/16/11 11:37 p.m.

4 lb 4 oz

18" long

I Think I Can, I Think I Can...

I have always made sure that I write on days that I am doing well and keeping my head up. Well today has not been one of those days. I've had many days lately where I don't know if I can do this. It usually always occurs after a Doctors appointment. Last week I was very nervous about things, but I finally was able to find strength. Brett and I have both felt that as much as we wish we could go on forever with this pregnancy, it has come time. We've been waiting and watching everyday for the last 19 weeks, and it is time for little Hailey to come soon. We have about 9 days left before our due date, and I'm scared and trying to gain strength... but at the same time I don't think I can be any more ready than I already am.

Today at my Dr. Appointment I was really, really nervous again. For myself I would like to be induced, but I think it would be better if Hailey could come on her own, so I've been having mixed feelings. Well we finally got into the room about an hour after waiting, and we ended up waiting another 40 minutes before we saw my Doctor. All of this waiting just built my nerves up even more. Good news is that Hailey is still growing. We are not measuring small anymore. I noticed last night and this morning that Hailey was kicking on my right side; whereas, the last month she has been kicking on my left side, so I knew that she had shifted positions a little bit. At first he couldn't find her heart beat because she wasn't in the same position, but he finally found it and Hailey is still doing very well. Now as for me... not so good. My blood pressure was up today. Not high enough that he wants to induce yet, but concerened enough he put me on bed-rest, and a home health nurse will be in to check on me everday. I'm not on full out bed-rest, but I'm supposed to lay on my left side as much as I can. They also did some blood work, and everything came back normal which is a good thing. Last appointment I was dilated to a 2 and effaced 40%, and this appointment he said it hasn't effaced much, but it felt closer to a 3, so we have started getting ready.

Well after all of this, I was having a hard time. When I have a hard time, I start stressing about everything. I just wish that I could be done somedays because it is such a worry wondering what is going to happen and WHEN! When we got home I was able to collect myself again, and my wonderful husband gave me a blessing which helped tremendously!! Every time I have a hard time, there are always experiences that remind me that Hailey is truly a blessing to me. We got a package delivered today from my Aunt and her family. Inside was a Willow Tree figurine titled "Our Gift."




This made me get back on track and remember that my precious girl is a gift given to me, and that I need to treasure her, and not be selfish and just think about myself. I need to willingly do this for her and accept whatever is to come. I love her so much, and I honestly couldn't imagine my life with out her. We truly are blessed to have tender mercies and experiences that help us understand and continue on with life. I am very grateful for this opportunity that I have now. It won't be too long, and we will be able to love her and hold her. I'm not so worried about things because I know that they will happen when they are supposed to. The waiting game can sometimes be hard and stressful, but it will all be worth it in the end. Right now I just need to focus on keeping me and Hailey healthy until she gets here. We are so close, and I need to keep my head up continue thinking positive, and putting my trust in the Lord. These truly are the only things that keep me going each day.

Full Term

One of my prayers has been answered. We have reached 37 weeks which is considered full term. To me, this is a feat in itself! I have worried the last 17 weeks about having Hailey make it this far, and now that worry is gone. This picture is 37 ½ weeks.

The reason I have been wanting to go full term is very selfish. I want my baby girl to be considered a “normal” pregnancy, just as most other pregnancies are. Now this being said means that Hailey could come at any time she would like to. Lately, I have had many tear filled nights and days knowing that each day brings this closer to an end. I’ve been having more selfish thoughts wishing that she didn’t have to go, but then I am reminded of her pure spirit, and how she doesn’t need to be here, and soon her mission will be complete. This doesn’t make the pain go away, but it sure brings much comfort.
As most of you could probably guess, one thing that I hope and pray for is that I get to meet my little Hailey. I tell people that I will accept whatever comes, but a couple of days would be nice, an hour, or even a few minutes at the least. This may not be what will happen, and I have no control over this. I know that whatever happens will be God’s Will, and this I cannot change.
Hailey has brought so much into our lives. I haven’t met her here, but I feel like our bond is so close. This bond makes it hard to even think about losing her. When I am having a hard time, she always starts kicking as if she knows and is reminding me that everything will work out. She also likes to kick when Daddy is around. My perspectives about many things have changed. My testimony has grown tremendously, especially on The Plan of Salvation and putting my trust in the Lord. I look at people differently, realizing that everyone is a Child of God no matter what shape or form they come in, or how many problems they have, and that I need to love everyone. One thing that I have been blessed with is to not get angry about the situation I am in. I remember back when we found out I wanted to get angry, but I couldn’t. There are times now that I want to feel sorry for myself, and I can’t. I have felt at peace the whole time through this all. This has truly been one of the greatest blessings I could have right now, and I hope that it doesn’t leave when Hailey does.
Even though everything is so unsure right now, I do know that everything will be ok. My doctor doesn’t want to induce any earlier than 39 weeks, and even at that he may wait a week or two if she hasn’t come on her own. Everyday is just watching and waiting to see what will happen. I’m starting to get very nervous for the delivery, and how my body will react. A lot of pain has always made me very sick, so I’m hoping that this will not be the case.
During the last few months, we have had so much support through everything. People have been so kind and generous, and we really appreciate all the love and prayers that have been given. We truly have the best friends and family that anyone could ask for. I want to thank Brett especially for taking care of me, and making sure that I am always ok. I really have the best husband in the world and I love him so much! Saturday, we will have our first anniversary. I’ve been told that if you can make it through your first year of marriage, that you can make it through anything. I do believe this, and I know that through this experience we have grown closer and relied on one another to make it through. We are doing well, just watching and waiting until she gets here. Again we appreciate all of the support that you have given!

Preparing

Our computer cord arrived today, and I decided that I would do a blog post. This picture was taken today at 34 1/2 weeks and I have one thing to say... that shirt is not the only shirt I own! I was looking at all of my other posts and I am wearing that shirt in a lot of them. It just so happens every time we take a picture I am wearing the shirt, but next time I will make a conscious effort to change it. :)

Well here I am at 34 1/2 weeks, and I don't know where the time has gone. It seems as though every time I blink, a new day has arrived. I had a hard time coming up with a title for this post, but it seemed appropriate that the word PREPARING fit best. People that don't really know my situation ask me if I am excited, and I always tell them yes. I am very excited for my little Hailey to get here, but what lies ahead is scary and all unknown. I have been putting off doing many things until school got out, and now that school has ended I have had time to do things I didn't want to do. Last week sometime, we were able to meet with the mortuary. I was very nervous for the appointment, but it went well. The man we met with was so nice, and he made it very comfortable and not awkward. They told us that they have around 6-8 babies that pass each year, and they do everything just for their cost. This is a pure act of service on their part, and such a blessing on ours.

Another thing that i have been preparing is all the things to bury Hailey in. My mother is an amazing seamstress/crafty person, and she has done things for us that we can use, and keep as keep sakes. This recieving blanket, she let me pick out the materials and then she did such a pretty crocheted border around it.

She also crocheted these beautiful baby booties that we will be able to put her in. They are not quite done as a ribbon will be wove around and tied in a bow. (I don't tie very pretty bows so I decided not to put it in yet.)

One of my sister-in-laws makes such cute hats, and I asked her if she would make one for Hailey. I got these in the mail a couple of weeks ago, and they are exactly what I wanted. The bigger hat is about a normal baby hat size, and the little one is so tiny and cute. They are perfect because we don't know how big or little she will be. She is measuring small, but she might surprise us at how big she is. :)

We decided that we will bury her in my baby blessing dress. My mom made this almost 22 years ago, and it still looks adorable. At first I didn't know if it would be small enough, but after seeing it, I decided that it will be perfect as well. Hailey will look like the Angel she is with all of these things.

My mom also makes a quilt for every grandchild. I chose pink and white with a Teddy Bear hugging a heart in the middle. My mom hand quilts these and like I said earlier, is so talented. I haven't decided what blanket I want to bury her in, but I think I will keep this one as a keepsake for sure.

As time has been getting closer, I've tried to prepare mentally as well. Not having school means I have A LOT of time on my hands right now. I've been trying to come up with things to do, so I don't just sit around all day accomplishing nothing. I had bought some fabric a while back to make a blanket with, so I pulled out my sewing machine and did that one morning. I think that it turned out good.

One of the things I have tried to do to prepare mentally is reading the Book of Mormon. It is a great strength in our lives, and it amazes me how we can get different meanings depending on our own situations. There are answers to everything if we search, because the Spirit will tesitfy. Everything in the pregnancy has been going good as well. I get achey sometimes, but I try to think of it as good pain, and this helps me a lot. I'm scared to go to the hospital and come home empty handed, but it will be one of these good pains. One thing that helps me is knowing that Hailey will be in the best place she could be. I don't have to worry about her because she is already saved no matter what happens. I know that she will always be mine, and this brings me comfort. There are many people who would think of my situation as a bad thing, but instead I feel very blessed. One thing that breaks my heart is seeing people that don't have the knowledges that I do, and I feel more sorrow for them. There are also so many worse things in the world, and this is such a small part in the time line of Eternity. My perspectives have forever been changed because an Angel entered my life. I would not take her back for anything, and am grateful for this opportunity that I have now.

Coming too fast!!

I decided since it's been a month, I better get another post up. This last month has been pretty crazy! I am finished with school, which is a very big relief. I had procrastinated some of my big projects, so school has been demanding most of my attention the last couple of weeks. I think that I fared well in my classes and I'm hoping for A's and B's. The pregnancy is going very well. We are really enjoying every minute that we can with little Hailey. We love her dearly, and I know I am very scared for what the future holds. I think it scares me the most because it is all unknown, but even as scared as I am, I know everything will be ok. I know that Heavenly Father truly does care about us, and he is helping me through this. I know I wouldn't be able to cope as well as I have been without His help. This picture is from about 32 1/2 weeks so we've got less than 8 weeks to go.

This last week he had an ultrasound. It was so good to see our little girl! She truly is so precious!! She is measuring small, so we probably won't induce earlier than 39 weeks. My doctor also would like me to go into labor on my own if I could, and I have been thinking the same thing lately. She was very active the whole appointment. We got to see her rubbing her eyes, and putting them by her mouth. She was opening and closing her eyes and being just a little baby. It was so cute, and I was glad that we got to see her. It is truly amazing to me that even though she won't be able to survive outside the womb, she is very much alive inside, and I get this chance to be with her. I am truly blessed!

The last post I had was about going to Conference. Well I was so grateful that I was able to go up. I truly had a wonderful time and enjoyed being with my family (Brett & Hailey) while getting the strength and inspiration that I truly needed. We truly do have a Prophet on the Earth today, and all of the Apostles and General Authorities are truly called of God. The Spirit is an amazing thing, and can teach us the things that we personally need to know. I am also grateful for a wonderful husband. These last couple months he has truly been my biggest strength. With school and being tired all the time, he has really stepped up with helping me. To be honest, I couldn't even tell you the last time I did a load of laundry because he is so good at taking care of his girls. I love him so much, and I don't know where I would be without him.

This last picture is a project that I did for one of my classes.

For our project, everyone in my class had big sheets of tissue paper and had to paint 3 layers of paint on them doing different textures each time. After we were done, we cut them into enough pieces for everyone in the class to get one piece of each. After, she told us to do anything we wanted with them. Well I had this idea, hand traced Hailey's name, and started cutting and pasting away around the name. Originally I only did around her name, but with school out, I was able to finish the whole thing. I don't know exactly what I'll do with it now, but I think it turned out pretty good.

We would like to thank everyone for all the support that we have been given through this time. We really really do appreciate it. I know many people have helped us, and I believe that there are Angels all around us. I am grateful to those that have done even just little things such as a smile or hug. We really do love and appreciate all of you. I would just like to ask again if you would keep us in your prayers as things are coming closer. We really could use the help and strength. Thank you again! This is just a little update, but I'm sure there will be more coming soon!