Well here I am back to the beginning not knowing where to start. Days keep going by with me not knowing where the time has gone. I guess I start where I left off. I talked about my doctors appointment on Monday. Tuesday came around, and the home health nurse came in and everything was good. Hailey was really active that day, and that night was the last time I can remember Hailey kicking. On Wednesday the 15, I didn’t feel her move all day. By the afternoon, we called over to the doctor and they told us to come in. We went over to the hospital and they had us go straight over for an ultrasound. It was confirmed that she had passed. I can honestly tell you that I was not devastated, but I felt at peace. My little girl went peacefully, and didn’t have to suffer through anything. I know that Heavenly Father was preparing us by helping us feel that it was time. We were thinking it was time for her to come, but all along it was time for her to go. I was able to understand this, and that it was His will, and it worked out for the best. We didn’t have to worry about her anymore because her mission was done, and we just needed to get her here.
They decided to induce me that night, so we got admitted into a delivery room around 6:00. They started me about 7:45 that night, and we were expecting to get her here by morning. To make a long story short after nearly 28 hours, she was born at 11:37p.m. on Thursday, June 16. I was relieved to get her here, and I know Brett and our families were worn out from being around the hospital for such a long time. I got to hold her first, and it was so wonderful. Her little feet and hands were so cute, and I still couldn’t believe she was mine, and she was so perfect. After holding her for a bit, Brett held her, and then my mom . They then went to weigh and measure her. After holding her, I was thinking she was at least 5 lb, but she ended up only being 4 lb 4 oz and 18 inches long. Brett then got to help bathe her, and get her dressed in a cute little outfit. After she was dressed, everyone else that was there came in and Brett and our fathers gave her a beautiful blessing. We then had a photographer come and take pictures, and I will be forever grateful to him and his service so I can remember my little Angel. Around 2:30 a.m. Brett called the mortuary, and they came to get her about 3:00 a.m. Her little body was so fragile, and we knew that the sooner we got her there, the better. It was hard to watch them take her away, and I wish I could have kept her with me longer, but I was also very exhausted and tired.
On Friday we left the hospital in the early afternoon. When we got home I think it really hit me that we were home empty handed. No more kicks or wiggles and she was really gone. I told Brett that it was so much easier at the hospital because she was right there and I could love and hold her. My heart was so full, but so empty at the same time. The weekend finally went by, and we decided to do her graveside on Wednesday.
On Sunday, Brett and I wrote Hailey’s obituary. When I looked at the date for Wednesday, I realized that we would be doing the service on June 22, Hailey’s due date. Tuesday we were able to go to the mortuary to dress her. She was so beautiful, and looked like a little Angel. She also looked like a doll, and I had to keep reminding myself that she was MY daughter, and not a doll.
On Wednesday we had a short viewing before the graveside for family. I still marvel at how perfect and beautiful she looked. After, Brett and I had to close the casket. I was dreading this part the most out of everything. I totally lost it at this point, and it kind of felt like I was shutting her out of my life. I know that this wasn’t the case, but it was really hard to know that it was the last time I would see her face or hold her little hand in this life. I sat there for a few moments and just sobbed and tried to soak in every little detail of her that I could before we sealed it. We then went to the cemetery where we had a short, but beautiful graveside service. Everything turned out so perfect.
As I look back at all of the events, sometimes it feels like more of a dream than reality. I have had many mixed emotions about everything. Right now, I literally take it a day at a time. I am grateful that I had time to prepare for Hailey to get here. We got to enjoy our time with her, even though it was short. Because her time was short, I hope I didn’t waste away the time that I had. I know that she didn’t need to come here because she is so perfect, but I miss her so much. I know that she is not far, but even this doesn’t fully take the pain away that I feel. Each day brings new obstacles to overcome, but we are managing. I know that I am receiving strength that is not my own to help me through this. I know I said that when she left I was afraid the peace and understanding would leave, but I know that she is helping me even more now so I can find my “new normal” as my sister put it.
I know I always talk about how wonderful Brett is, but I do because it is true. When we came home, I was talking to him about some fears that I have, and he reminded me that now we just need to go forward with faith, and keep on trusting the Lord in everything. I am grateful to him and his example to me, and everything that he does for me. He is the best! I know that I’ve also said this before, but we really have the best family and friends EVER! Everyone has been so supportive, and we appreciate all of the love, thoughts, and prayers that you have offered for us. Thank You! I know much of the strength comes from this. Words will never describe how I feel, and how I miss my little one, but I hope she knows that she is loved and missed so much. I am grateful to know where she is, and that I will get to be with her someday. I am so grateful that not much longer than a year ago I was able to be sealed to my best friend, and know that our children are born under the covenant. Families are forever, and Hailey is my reason to try harder everyday.
