Full Term

One of my prayers has been answered. We have reached 37 weeks which is considered full term. To me, this is a feat in itself! I have worried the last 17 weeks about having Hailey make it this far, and now that worry is gone. This picture is 37 ½ weeks.

The reason I have been wanting to go full term is very selfish. I want my baby girl to be considered a “normal” pregnancy, just as most other pregnancies are. Now this being said means that Hailey could come at any time she would like to. Lately, I have had many tear filled nights and days knowing that each day brings this closer to an end. I’ve been having more selfish thoughts wishing that she didn’t have to go, but then I am reminded of her pure spirit, and how she doesn’t need to be here, and soon her mission will be complete. This doesn’t make the pain go away, but it sure brings much comfort.
As most of you could probably guess, one thing that I hope and pray for is that I get to meet my little Hailey. I tell people that I will accept whatever comes, but a couple of days would be nice, an hour, or even a few minutes at the least. This may not be what will happen, and I have no control over this. I know that whatever happens will be God’s Will, and this I cannot change.
Hailey has brought so much into our lives. I haven’t met her here, but I feel like our bond is so close. This bond makes it hard to even think about losing her. When I am having a hard time, she always starts kicking as if she knows and is reminding me that everything will work out. She also likes to kick when Daddy is around. My perspectives about many things have changed. My testimony has grown tremendously, especially on The Plan of Salvation and putting my trust in the Lord. I look at people differently, realizing that everyone is a Child of God no matter what shape or form they come in, or how many problems they have, and that I need to love everyone. One thing that I have been blessed with is to not get angry about the situation I am in. I remember back when we found out I wanted to get angry, but I couldn’t. There are times now that I want to feel sorry for myself, and I can’t. I have felt at peace the whole time through this all. This has truly been one of the greatest blessings I could have right now, and I hope that it doesn’t leave when Hailey does.
Even though everything is so unsure right now, I do know that everything will be ok. My doctor doesn’t want to induce any earlier than 39 weeks, and even at that he may wait a week or two if she hasn’t come on her own. Everyday is just watching and waiting to see what will happen. I’m starting to get very nervous for the delivery, and how my body will react. A lot of pain has always made me very sick, so I’m hoping that this will not be the case.
During the last few months, we have had so much support through everything. People have been so kind and generous, and we really appreciate all the love and prayers that have been given. We truly have the best friends and family that anyone could ask for. I want to thank Brett especially for taking care of me, and making sure that I am always ok. I really have the best husband in the world and I love him so much! Saturday, we will have our first anniversary. I’ve been told that if you can make it through your first year of marriage, that you can make it through anything. I do believe this, and I know that through this experience we have grown closer and relied on one another to make it through. We are doing well, just watching and waiting until she gets here. Again we appreciate all of the support that you have given!

Preparing

Our computer cord arrived today, and I decided that I would do a blog post. This picture was taken today at 34 1/2 weeks and I have one thing to say... that shirt is not the only shirt I own! I was looking at all of my other posts and I am wearing that shirt in a lot of them. It just so happens every time we take a picture I am wearing the shirt, but next time I will make a conscious effort to change it. :)

Well here I am at 34 1/2 weeks, and I don't know where the time has gone. It seems as though every time I blink, a new day has arrived. I had a hard time coming up with a title for this post, but it seemed appropriate that the word PREPARING fit best. People that don't really know my situation ask me if I am excited, and I always tell them yes. I am very excited for my little Hailey to get here, but what lies ahead is scary and all unknown. I have been putting off doing many things until school got out, and now that school has ended I have had time to do things I didn't want to do. Last week sometime, we were able to meet with the mortuary. I was very nervous for the appointment, but it went well. The man we met with was so nice, and he made it very comfortable and not awkward. They told us that they have around 6-8 babies that pass each year, and they do everything just for their cost. This is a pure act of service on their part, and such a blessing on ours.

Another thing that i have been preparing is all the things to bury Hailey in. My mother is an amazing seamstress/crafty person, and she has done things for us that we can use, and keep as keep sakes. This recieving blanket, she let me pick out the materials and then she did such a pretty crocheted border around it.

She also crocheted these beautiful baby booties that we will be able to put her in. They are not quite done as a ribbon will be wove around and tied in a bow. (I don't tie very pretty bows so I decided not to put it in yet.)

One of my sister-in-laws makes such cute hats, and I asked her if she would make one for Hailey. I got these in the mail a couple of weeks ago, and they are exactly what I wanted. The bigger hat is about a normal baby hat size, and the little one is so tiny and cute. They are perfect because we don't know how big or little she will be. She is measuring small, but she might surprise us at how big she is. :)

We decided that we will bury her in my baby blessing dress. My mom made this almost 22 years ago, and it still looks adorable. At first I didn't know if it would be small enough, but after seeing it, I decided that it will be perfect as well. Hailey will look like the Angel she is with all of these things.

My mom also makes a quilt for every grandchild. I chose pink and white with a Teddy Bear hugging a heart in the middle. My mom hand quilts these and like I said earlier, is so talented. I haven't decided what blanket I want to bury her in, but I think I will keep this one as a keepsake for sure.

As time has been getting closer, I've tried to prepare mentally as well. Not having school means I have A LOT of time on my hands right now. I've been trying to come up with things to do, so I don't just sit around all day accomplishing nothing. I had bought some fabric a while back to make a blanket with, so I pulled out my sewing machine and did that one morning. I think that it turned out good.

One of the things I have tried to do to prepare mentally is reading the Book of Mormon. It is a great strength in our lives, and it amazes me how we can get different meanings depending on our own situations. There are answers to everything if we search, because the Spirit will tesitfy. Everything in the pregnancy has been going good as well. I get achey sometimes, but I try to think of it as good pain, and this helps me a lot. I'm scared to go to the hospital and come home empty handed, but it will be one of these good pains. One thing that helps me is knowing that Hailey will be in the best place she could be. I don't have to worry about her because she is already saved no matter what happens. I know that she will always be mine, and this brings me comfort. There are many people who would think of my situation as a bad thing, but instead I feel very blessed. One thing that breaks my heart is seeing people that don't have the knowledges that I do, and I feel more sorrow for them. There are also so many worse things in the world, and this is such a small part in the time line of Eternity. My perspectives have forever been changed because an Angel entered my life. I would not take her back for anything, and am grateful for this opportunity that I have now.

Coming too fast!!

I decided since it's been a month, I better get another post up. This last month has been pretty crazy! I am finished with school, which is a very big relief. I had procrastinated some of my big projects, so school has been demanding most of my attention the last couple of weeks. I think that I fared well in my classes and I'm hoping for A's and B's. The pregnancy is going very well. We are really enjoying every minute that we can with little Hailey. We love her dearly, and I know I am very scared for what the future holds. I think it scares me the most because it is all unknown, but even as scared as I am, I know everything will be ok. I know that Heavenly Father truly does care about us, and he is helping me through this. I know I wouldn't be able to cope as well as I have been without His help. This picture is from about 32 1/2 weeks so we've got less than 8 weeks to go.

This last week he had an ultrasound. It was so good to see our little girl! She truly is so precious!! She is measuring small, so we probably won't induce earlier than 39 weeks. My doctor also would like me to go into labor on my own if I could, and I have been thinking the same thing lately. She was very active the whole appointment. We got to see her rubbing her eyes, and putting them by her mouth. She was opening and closing her eyes and being just a little baby. It was so cute, and I was glad that we got to see her. It is truly amazing to me that even though she won't be able to survive outside the womb, she is very much alive inside, and I get this chance to be with her. I am truly blessed!

The last post I had was about going to Conference. Well I was so grateful that I was able to go up. I truly had a wonderful time and enjoyed being with my family (Brett & Hailey) while getting the strength and inspiration that I truly needed. We truly do have a Prophet on the Earth today, and all of the Apostles and General Authorities are truly called of God. The Spirit is an amazing thing, and can teach us the things that we personally need to know. I am also grateful for a wonderful husband. These last couple months he has truly been my biggest strength. With school and being tired all the time, he has really stepped up with helping me. To be honest, I couldn't even tell you the last time I did a load of laundry because he is so good at taking care of his girls. I love him so much, and I don't know where I would be without him.

This last picture is a project that I did for one of my classes.

For our project, everyone in my class had big sheets of tissue paper and had to paint 3 layers of paint on them doing different textures each time. After we were done, we cut them into enough pieces for everyone in the class to get one piece of each. After, she told us to do anything we wanted with them. Well I had this idea, hand traced Hailey's name, and started cutting and pasting away around the name. Originally I only did around her name, but with school out, I was able to finish the whole thing. I don't know exactly what I'll do with it now, but I think it turned out pretty good.

We would like to thank everyone for all the support that we have been given through this time. We really really do appreciate it. I know many people have helped us, and I believe that there are Angels all around us. I am grateful to those that have done even just little things such as a smile or hug. We really do love and appreciate all of you. I would just like to ask again if you would keep us in your prayers as things are coming closer. We really could use the help and strength. Thank you again! This is just a little update, but I'm sure there will be more coming soon!

10 Little Fingers and 10 Little Toes

These pictures were taken at 26 weeks, so a couple of days ago. Everything has been going well with the pregnancy still. I have been getting rib pain, and I think it's because I'm still not very big, and the pressure from the uterus growing is on my ribs. I have found some relief when I lay down, and when my arms are raised above my head. It mostly hurts the worst when I've been sitting in the same position for too long.










Hailey is still very active. We have enjoyed feeling her movements, and watching them. She is quite the kicker/puncher. The other day in one of my classes we watched this video about how you can sing books instead of read them to children. When I watched this I loved it because it explains kind of how I feel, and I now am going to get this book. If you don't want to watch the whole thing the song starts about 1 minute and 50 seconds into the clip.





My little girl may not have everything that every little baby does, but she is just as normal to me as any other baby. She has 10 Little Fingers and 10 Little Toes. She kicks/punches, hiccups, and is growing just like any other little baby would be. Even if she didn't she is still my little girl, and I would love her the same! Tummy time has been so fun with her and is going way too fast!! I know that if I don't get to meet her here I still at least get to see her, hold her, and love her! I am looking forward to the day when she will come, but also very nervous. I know what will happen is what the plan is, but it's hard not to think what is going to happen. I have learned so much from my little girl, and I definitely would not take her back!!

Our Little Angel

On February 1st we had our first ultrasound right at 20 weeks. I knew this day would be a life changer, but I never knew how much I would be affected by it. We found out that we have been blessed with a beautiful little girl: Hailey June Roberts! Our perfect little Hailey doesn't get to stay here on Earth with us, as she has a neural tube defect called anencephaly. Anencephaly is a defect that happens right at the beginning in pregnancy. The neural tube doesn't close off so everything develops normally except from the eye brows up. Thus the top part of the skull doesn't develop along with the cerebral hemispheres and cerebellum of the brain. Right now she is able to function in the womb, but in the future is all uncertain. It is pretty common for the hearts of these babies to give out sometime during pregnancy. There is a fairly high chance of Hailey going full term, but still many are stillborn due to the trauma of labor. When these babies do make it through, it could be a matter of minutes, hours, and sometimes a couple days.

I can't tell you how long I have stared at this screen so many different times, trying to figure out where to start. How to tell my story. I guess I will start with my feelings. At first I was in shock, and couldn't believe that this was happening. It seemed like my whole world stopped and how could everyone keep going on with life normal? I wanted to get very upset and feel sorry for myselft, but for some reason there was just a sense a peace, which has carried through. That same day we went up to a specialist in Provo and on the way up I thought about a lot of things. I started thinking why did I go off the birth control, I just wish it would have been a miscarriage, and all these not so good thoughts. I can't remember if it was the same day, but shortly after I realized that this is my time NOW with my precious little girl. She is an amazing spirit who's mission is to come to this Earth to get a body, and I get to be part of this. The reason we went off the birth control was because we felt it was what we needed to do. We put our trust in the Lord, and he has blessed us. The doctors gave us an option of termination. At first I thought it wasn't even an option, and I would have to go through with it, but I'm grateful to know that we are able to continue with the pregnancy. In fact the doctors both told us that if it weren't for ultrasound, they would have no idea about this, and it would be considered a normal pregnancy. So we are continuing through like a normal pregnancy. This little girl from the beginning has brought so much love into our family, and as Brett said it's amazing how much our love for her has grown, even just shortly after the ultrasound. At the time of the ultrasound, I had gotten so far down in life, and didn't think anything else could go wrong. When this happened I was really taken back, because my baby is what had kept me going. I now realize that my baby girl is still the only thing keeping me going, and she has set the bar high for Brett and I. I was reading in my journal the other day, and I would like to quote a part of it that I wrote the day I found out I was pregnant.

"I am so excited and my love for this child is so full right now. Also my joy! This truly is what life is about and I am so blessed right now. My testimony has been strengthened, and I know that I just need to trust in the plan that's been prepared for me. I'm so grateful for the opportunities I am recieving right now, and I can't wait to be a MOM and hold this little one in my arms. I love Heavenly Father, my Savior, and I know they are the only way to true Joy which I have now and always as I am faithful."

I can honestly say that these words are still ringing true today. Every last one of them. As I was reading this, it made me think of all the ways I have been prepared for this. Heavenly Father didn't just throw this at me without preparing and helping me through it. In one of my classes at Snow, I did a research project on Birth Defects, and more specifically I was the one in my group who studied neural tube defects. When the doctor started explaining and told me the name, I knew exactly what was going on. I know that my little Hailey is supposed to be here right now with me, and I am grateful for the chance that I even get time now. My Testimony has definitely been strengthened more than I ever knew it could be. I knew we were putting our trust in the Lord, but I never truly knew how much I would have to. Every day I worry about something that I have no control over. I worry about her going full term, or I wonder how labor will go. If I'll ever get to meet my sweet little girl on this Earth, but then I realize that I truly have no control over these things. This is when I have to put my trust back in the Lord, and whatever is the plan prepared for me is what I will accept. This doesn't mean that I don't hope and pray that I get to meet her, but I can't worry about it until the time comes.

I know at times I can be very sad. Having to bury a baby was definitely not something that I ever imagined I would have to do when I was 21 and in my first year of marriage. I see pregnant girls and little babies, and it makes me think how my little girl would be. What color of eyes would she have, her personality, and all of the fun things that come with having a baby. I do have my moments every day, but right now I'm trying to make the best of my time with little Hailey. I want to remember it as an enjoyable time and not a miserable one. Every little kick I want to soak in, every little memory I can. Her little ultrasound pictures are one of my greatest treasures. Right now I am 23 1/2 weeks along, and if Hailey does go full term, we will probably induce at 37 weeks. This does not leave much time, and I'm afraid that it will come much sooner than I would like. Every day brings a new challenge to get over. I do know that with Heavenly Father on my side, I can do anything. If it weren't for the knowledges that I have through the gospel, I know I would be a big wreck. I am so grateful to know that families can be together forever. Even though everything is so uncertain right now, I know that Heavenly Father is watching over me, and he does love me. I know that we don't get trials that we can't handle. I know that Jesus Christ Atoned for us, and that he can help heal us. I tell Brett constantly that time will heal, but it will always hurt. I'm grateful for everyone who has prayed for us. I know that we have been strengthened by each and every prayer. For those who want to know what you can do, please just continue praying during these next couple months. I feel like I have just been rambling. Words can't explain everything that I have been experiencing, but maybe this will give you a sense of how we are doing. We love you all, and again appreciate all of the prayers that have been offered in our behalf.