On February 1st we had our first ultrasound right at 20 weeks. I knew this day would be a life changer, but I never knew how much I would be affected by it. We found out that we have been blessed with a beautiful little girl: Hailey June Roberts! Our perfect little Hailey doesn't get to stay here on Earth with us, as she has a neural tube defect called anencephaly. Anencephaly is a defect that happens right at the beginning in pregnancy. The neural tube doesn't close off so everything develops normally except from the eye brows up. Thus the top part of the skull doesn't develop along with the cerebral hemispheres and cerebellum of the brain. Right now she is able to function in the womb, but in the future is all uncertain. It is pretty common for the hearts of these babies to give out sometime during pregnancy. There is a fairly high chance of Hailey going full term, but still many are stillborn due to the trauma of labor. When these babies do make it through, it could be a matter of minutes, hours, and sometimes a couple days.
I can't tell you how long I have stared at this screen so many different times, trying to figure out where to start. How to tell my story. I guess I will start with my feelings. At first I was in shock, and couldn't believe that this was happening. It seemed like my whole world stopped and how could everyone keep going on with life normal? I wanted to get very upset and feel sorry for myselft, but for some reason there was just a sense a peace, which has carried through. That same day we went up to a specialist in Provo and on the way up I thought about a lot of things. I started thinking why did I go off the birth control, I just wish it would have been a miscarriage, and all these not so good thoughts. I can't remember if it was the same day, but shortly after I realized that this is my time NOW with my precious little girl. She is an amazing spirit who's mission is to come to this Earth to get a body, and I get to be part of this. The reason we went off the birth control was because we felt it was what we needed to do. We put our trust in the Lord, and he has blessed us. The doctors gave us an option of termination. At first I thought it wasn't even an option, and I would have to go through with it, but I'm grateful to know that we are able to continue with the pregnancy. In fact the doctors both told us that if it weren't for ultrasound, they would have no idea about this, and it would be considered a normal pregnancy. So we are continuing through like a normal pregnancy. This little girl from the beginning has brought so much love into our family, and as Brett said it's amazing how much our love for her has grown, even just shortly after the ultrasound. At the time of the ultrasound, I had gotten so far down in life, and didn't think anything else could go wrong. When this happened I was really taken back, because my baby is what had kept me going. I now realize that my baby girl is still the only thing keeping me going, and she has set the bar high for Brett and I. I was reading in my journal the other day, and I would like to quote a part of it that I wrote the day I found out I was pregnant.
"I am so excited and my love for this child is so full right now. Also my joy! This truly is what life is about and I am so blessed right now. My testimony has been strengthened, and I know that I just need to trust in the plan that's been prepared for me. I'm so grateful for the opportunities I am recieving right now, and I can't wait to be a MOM and hold this little one in my arms. I love Heavenly Father, my Savior, and I know they are the only way to true Joy which I have now and always as I am faithful."
I can honestly say that these words are still ringing true today. Every last one of them. As I was reading this, it made me think of all the ways I have been prepared for this. Heavenly Father didn't just throw this at me without preparing and helping me through it. In one of my classes at Snow, I did a research project on Birth Defects, and more specifically I was the one in my group who studied neural tube defects. When the doctor started explaining and told me the name, I knew exactly what was going on. I know that my little Hailey is supposed to be here right now with me, and I am grateful for the chance that I even get time now. My Testimony has definitely been strengthened more than I ever knew it could be. I knew we were putting our trust in the Lord, but I never truly knew how much I would have to. Every day I worry about something that I have no control over. I worry about her going full term, or I wonder how labor will go. If I'll ever get to meet my sweet little girl on this Earth, but then I realize that I truly have no control over these things. This is when I have to put my trust back in the Lord, and whatever is the plan prepared for me is what I will accept. This doesn't mean that I don't hope and pray that I get to meet her, but I can't worry about it until the time comes.
I know at times I can be very sad. Having to bury a baby was definitely not something that I ever imagined I would have to do when I was 21 and in my first year of marriage. I see pregnant girls and little babies, and it makes me think how my little girl would be. What color of eyes would she have, her personality, and all of the fun things that come with having a baby. I do have my moments every day, but right now I'm trying to make the best of my time with little Hailey. I want to remember it as an enjoyable time and not a miserable one. Every little kick I want to soak in, every little memory I can. Her little ultrasound pictures are one of my greatest treasures. Right now I am 23 1/2 weeks along, and if Hailey does go full term, we will probably induce at 37 weeks. This does not leave much time, and I'm afraid that it will come much sooner than I would like. Every day brings a new challenge to get over. I do know that with Heavenly Father on my side, I can do anything. If it weren't for the knowledges that I have through the gospel, I know I would be a big wreck. I am so grateful to know that families can be together forever. Even though everything is so uncertain right now, I know that Heavenly Father is watching over me, and he does love me. I know that we don't get trials that we can't handle. I know that Jesus Christ Atoned for us, and that he can help heal us. I tell Brett constantly that time will heal, but it will always hurt. I'm grateful for everyone who has prayed for us. I know that we have been strengthened by each and every prayer. For those who want to know what you can do, please just continue praying during these next couple months. I feel like I have just been rambling. Words can't explain everything that I have been experiencing, but maybe this will give you a sense of how we are doing. We love you all, and again appreciate all of the prayers that have been offered in our behalf.
Tears, tears, tears...I love your post, it is so sweet! Thanks for sharing your feelings with us all. We love you guys and know that little Hailey is so special. We are glad that we get to be apart of her life as well. Love you lots and lots and lots! Many prayers coming your way from us. :)
ReplyDeleteDennis mentioned this to me when I went to visit my Mom and him last week and I haven't been able to get you out of my mind. I am so sorry that you and Brett have to go through this and know that we are praying for you and your little girl. That is amazing that you knew what they were talking about when they told you in the ultrasound, what a blessing.
ReplyDeleteIf there's anything I can ever do for you, please let me know. I know we are just getting to know each other but you are in my thoughts and prayers.
We just wanted you to know that you and Brett are constantly in our prayers. You have amazing insight on how the plan of our Heavenly Father blesses us and I pray that he will buoy you both up. We love you guys and are greatful for your testimony!!
ReplyDeleteMarisha you are so amazing! I will keep you in my prayers and know you will endure to the end. You are always the greatest strength to yourself and to those who's lives you effect. I love and miss you. All I can really say is keep us updated and good luck with everything you are doing and the lord will bless you with all the blessings in the world. Love ya Telisia
ReplyDeleteYour testimonies are carrying you.....but it is still so hard. You are both remembered in all of our prayers!
ReplyDeletemarisha, you two are amazing. acutally, all three of you are amazing. you are such a wonderful example of faith and i look up to you so much. i'm sure i don't have to tell you how blessed you truly are and how blessed you will be forever. you can do this. i love you.
ReplyDeleteWow... I don't know what to say. Very saddening, but you are very strong! I don't think I could do that. I've heard of way too many people who that kind of thing has happened to... Karl Bench and Logan Christensen to name a few from Sanpete. You aren't alone. We will be praying for you always!
ReplyDeleteAlex just told me. Goodness!! It is so comforting to know that Heavenly Father is in charge and that He'll take care of her until you get to. I came across a blog of a distant friends sister who went through the same thing. It is very sweet and touching to read and might give you some ideas about how to capture the time you do get with Hailey. Our thoughts and prayers are with you!
ReplyDeletewww.onetinymiracle.blogspot.com
You don't know me, but your sister Emily married my cousin AJ. I read about you on their blog. I just wanted you to know that your family is in our prayers. I am so glad to know you are enjoying every moment with your little girl. An eternal perspective will help keep you going when you face tough times. God Bless You!
ReplyDeleteEmily shared your story with me as well. I was a roommate of Emily's from college. I want to tell you that I know what you are going through in a different sort of way. My first pregnancy was with a special little girl as well. But my pregnancy was considered "normal" and everything seemed "normal" even when I delivered her a week late and she weighed 5 lbs 14 oz. At the time, I didn't think anything of it. But about a year later, we started noticing that she was not hitting those milestones that all normal kids do. Makayla wasn't crawling or progressing very quickly. Still no worried until about 15 months when we decided to get a second opinion from a different pediatrician. At that time, we realized she has hypotonia which is very low muscle tone. This has kept her from being able to walk or even bare weight. She also has developmental delays. She began having seizures at age 2. Makayla is now going on 4 and still does not talk, walk, or do too much that normal 4 year olds do. But her spirit is so strong and everyone who comes in contact with her realizes there is something special with her. We still are looking for answers and a better diagnosis. But like you mentioned, there are some things we have no control over and life is too short and fragile to worry about things that we can't change. I believe we are sent these special spirits to help us grow as mothers and daughters of God. You are a strong person. I can tell by reading your blog. Hang in there! The Lord is definetly mindful of you and has not forsaken you one bit!
ReplyDeleteMarisha,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story and your testimony. You will be in our prayers.