Headstone 11/11/11

I wrote this post on 11-11-11, and I was having a really hard day. I debated on posting it after rereading it, and after a mortal debate with myself decided to anyway.....

Sometimes I have hard days. Sometimes I have good days. Sometimes I have hard weeks with good moments. Sometimes I have good weeks with hard moments. This has been me for the last month or so. I probably would put myself into the category this week of hard week with good moments.

When people have a baby, one fun thing is looking for the milestones. The first smile, solid foods, starting to babble… you get my point. The only milestone I have been able to look forward to is a different kind of stone. A headstone.

On Tuesday, Brett told me that they would be coming Friday to put in Hailey’s headstone. Today was that day, and I have been having mixed feelings about this. I’m sorry if this post seems kind of melancholy, but I really don’t know how to express it otherwise.



I am really happy that the headstone is here, and it turned out just the way I had hoped it would. On the other hand, I’m kind of sad because this was the last thing that we had to do for Hailey. There are no more “milestones” to look forward to, and this officially closes a chapter.

I know that Hailey is not far, but sometimes I’m not strong enough to hold off the sadness. I love seeing babies being born, and growing up, but at the same time it brings floods of emotions to me. Sometimes selfish emotions. Some days all I want is for everything to be different. To be at home with my little girl, and not sitting in a classroom full of college students. I’m constantly having to be reminded that this is not the plan that has been prepared for me, and then silently keep moving forward with life, trying to not show the pain.

I guess the best way to put the last little while is that my heart is breaking. For the better. Everyday I think I gain a little more strength to get through the next day. It has been quite the process of ups and downs.

One thing that I have learned is service truly does help heal. Whenever I feel down, if I go and serve someone in need, I feel 10x better than I did before. It’s amazing how forgetting yourself, and doing service can help you probably more than the person you helped.

Another thing that has been good for me is realizing all of my blessings that I do have. Many times I take the little things for granted, and it’s a good time of year to be overwhelmed thinking of everything I do have. I am grateful for everything that I have. Counting my blessings is nearly impossible, and helps me remember that Heavenly Father loves me, and this in turn helps me through the hard times.

Angel Watch

See these two stunning ladies?



I’m going to let you in on a little secret. They are really angels in disguise. I realized that I have hardly mentioned these ladies in my posts, and decided to dedicate this post to them. I don’t think that I can express how amazing these women are, but I will try.

Heather and Marilyn are the ladies that run the Angel Watch Program for Utah County and south. Brett and I had the privilege of working with these wonderful women throughout the pregnancy, delivery, and after-math of all of the events.

As Brett and I learned about the diagnosis of Hailey, and we decided to continue on with the pregnancy, the genetic counselor asked if we would like to be referred to the Angel Watch Bereavement Program. I didn’t know what to expect, but I thought that maybe it could help. This one decision was one of the best decisions I made the whole pregnancy.

Angel Watch is a program that helps parents of babies diagnosed with life-threatening conditions celebrate the life of their baby, no matter how short or long it may be. Every person they help, they try to individualize the experience and not make it the same for everyone. They provide many things like literature to help the family’s through the grieving process. They help the family’s cope through the hard time. They visit the families and stay in contact with them to see if they can help in anyway. There are programs available in Logan area, Ogden area, Salt Lake area, and the Provo area.

Marilyn is a pediatric nurse. She helped us with any medical questions or concerns that we had. They both were with us during the delivery to help us and give us encouragement. Heather is a bereavement specialist, and she helped to make some memories for us. Shortly after Hailey was born, they helped us get her bathed and dressed, and Heather made some beautiful feet and hand molds and prints that I now cherish with all my heart.









They really are so precious, and are my favorite treasures that I have of Hailey.

The support didn’t stop there. Heather was able to come down to the viewing and graveside. One remarkable thing about these ladies, is that they do this voluntarily. They take time out of their own lives to help others, and it is truly a service on their part. Their love and concern for us was apparent the whole time, and still is to this day.

Two weeks ago, I was so excited because Marilyn and Heather were coming down to visit. When they came, they delivered this…





You may recognize it from here.

This little bear is made out of the blanket that I made. Hailey was wrapped in it shortly after her arrival. I was so excited to get it, and kind of got a little teary eyed seeing it for the first time. Along with the Angel Watch program, a sweet lady (I wish I knew her name) makes these bears out of a blanket that you send to her, so you can have that memory as well.

I know I mentioned this up yonder, but these ladies are so amazing, and I really can’t express how much I appreciate them and everything they have done for us. Our experience would not have been anything like it was without these wonderful women. I would recommend the Angel Watch program to anyone. I know the Angel means the little angels that are being watched, but I do believe that these ladies are angels themselves. If you know of anyone going through a similar situation, help them out by letting them know about this wonderful program available. If you have any question or need information, let me know and I can get you steered in the right direction. You are all so wonderful, thanks for your support!

Birthdays and other festivities.

A lot of you probably don't know, but both of our birthdays,the deer and halloween end up falling within a week and a day of each other.

On Sunday the 23, we celebrated Brett's 25th birthday. Everything turned out good, and it was so fun to just spend the whole day together.

On Friday the 28 was my 22nd birthday. The day was filled with tests, a research project, homework, and a paper, but other than all of that, was a great day! Brett really knows how to make me feel so special.

The next day, I was able to go and spend some time at the Lever Family Party! It was a great party, and I got to see family I haven't seen for a while. This same day Brett got his buck.





He hasn't shot a buck for a while, so he was really excited.

This year for Halloween, we didn't really dress up, but we did have some fun with this pumpkin.



It is always so nice to just spend time together doing little silly things. I guess that is one thing I love about Brett. I can be happy doing anything (most of the time), as long as I'm with him!

See this beautiful tile...



A sweet lady in my ward gave it to me, and I thought I would share because I think it is worth sharing!

Fall is in the air!

It’s been a while. Lately, I don’t feel that much of our life is blog worthy. It’s pretty much the same routine, and nothing really exciting to take pictures of.

We are now 3 1/2 months since beautiful little Hailey came into our lives. Sometimes it feels like it's been so much longer, and other times it feels like the time has flown. This week we were able to go and order her headstone, so I'm hoping it will be done before it snows!

This semester I have started studying Elementary Education, and I am loving it. I love kids, and I hate to admit it, but my mom was right when she told me that I would love teaching. I guess parents really do know us better than ourselves. ;)

Brett is keeping really busy with the doors right now which is nice. He also is such a big help, and likes his occasional (daily most of the time) naps!




One thing that has happened lately that I would consider blog worthy, is the amazing fall time we have had. Last weekend, we were able to go up the canyon and capture some of the prettiest scenes I have ever seen. We went on a 2 hour hike, and in some points it almost felt like a fairlyland of some sort. It was soooo pretty and I'm glad we got to enjoy it with family. Hope you enjoy as well!

24th of July

For the 24th, we made our way down to Beaver for the festivities. The festivites include watching the parade, going to the park and playing games, foot races, getting snow cones, and just hanging around the park. It's always fun for me to go home, especially when my friends are around so we can catch up! This year, all the sisters were there, and it was lots of fun!

This is us watching the Parade




The kids getting ready to get more candy!






Ever year, at the end of the parade, a firetruck comes through and shoots a water canon, and all of the kids go out and get wet. This is my nieces and nephews after that!




After the festivites at the park, we went home and got ready to go to the free swim at the city pool. This was the first time I had been swimming for a year! I loved every minute of it, and realized how much I miss lifeguarding and teaching swim lessons in the summer time! We then went home and made some good Barbecue Turkey Sanpete Style for dinner! That night my dad was going up on the mountain to check out some Bear problems, and Brett and I got to tag along. I was hoping to see a bear for the first time ever, and get a picture to put on the blog... but of course the bear was camera shy and didn't make an appearance. Instead the pictures are of the amazing sunset that we saw!





Because the bear didn't make an appearance, we went spotlighting for other animals! I tried to get some pictures of them, but they didn't turn out. We saw 1 bull elk, lots of cow and calf elk, 2 big bucks, and lots of does and fawns. I can almost guarantee that this was Brett's favorite part, even though he would deny it! It was so fun to spend the weekend and do lots of fun things, especially with the family!

Summer Fun!

Now that I am getting back into the swing of things, we have been able to have a couple of summer adventures the last two weeks. Our first little adventure, we went up Wales Canyon and went camping.

This was the tent that Brett and I built.


It was nice to be up on the mountain, and to leave all of our worries back home.


Lately, I have had an obsession with flowers, and the natural beauty all around. I love the mountains, because it is so easy to recognize and dwell on the beautiful things that have been created for us to enjoy.








One thing I have never payed much attention to is a Sego Lily. They are a very simple, but beautiful flower. They have to have perfect conditions to grow, and even at that, they take many years to bloom. The day we buried Hailey, there were Sego Lilies all throughout the cemetery. Now, whenever I see one, it reminds me of her.




Another neat thing we saw, was a flowering cactus. I have known that cacti do flower, but I have never actually seen one. I only wish it would have had more than one, as there were more buds looking like they could bloom any day.


As we were riding and exploring a little bit, Brett really wanted to find this tree. Brett got a picture when he was on his mission with his Mom and Dad standing by this tree, and it really means a lot to him.


As a little bit of history, Brett took me to see this rock which was carved on in the late 1800's.






On our way home, I decided to take a picture of Wales through the canyon.


This is the zoomed in version I took after, and our house is by one of the clumps of trees.


I love camping, but it's always nice to come home and take a long shower.

On Wednesday of this week we went fishing up to Scofield Reservoir. We were so excited to finally get the boat out, and I may just have caught fishing fever.




Having fun riding in the boat!




Not catching anything, which I blame on my fishing pole being "out of order," as a part was left at home. :)


I didn't catch anything, but as we were getting ready to leave, Brett caught one. It isn't always about catching the fish, but spending time together, and I really had fun this time!