I wrote this post on 11-11-11, and I was having a really hard day. I debated on posting it after rereading it, and after a mortal debate with myself decided to anyway.....
Sometimes I have hard days. Sometimes I have good days. Sometimes I have hard weeks with good moments. Sometimes I have good weeks with hard moments. This has been me for the last month or so. I probably would put myself into the category this week of hard week with good moments.
When people have a baby, one fun thing is looking for the milestones. The first smile, solid foods, starting to babble… you get my point. The only milestone I have been able to look forward to is a different kind of stone. A headstone.
On Tuesday, Brett told me that they would be coming Friday to put in Hailey’s headstone. Today was that day, and I have been having mixed feelings about this. I’m sorry if this post seems kind of melancholy, but I really don’t know how to express it otherwise.
I am really happy that the headstone is here, and it turned out just the way I had hoped it would. On the other hand, I’m kind of sad because this was the last thing that we had to do for Hailey. There are no more “milestones” to look forward to, and this officially closes a chapter.
I know that Hailey is not far, but sometimes I’m not strong enough to hold off the sadness. I love seeing babies being born, and growing up, but at the same time it brings floods of emotions to me. Sometimes selfish emotions. Some days all I want is for everything to be different. To be at home with my little girl, and not sitting in a classroom full of college students. I’m constantly having to be reminded that this is not the plan that has been prepared for me, and then silently keep moving forward with life, trying to not show the pain.
I guess the best way to put the last little while is that my heart is breaking. For the better. Everyday I think I gain a little more strength to get through the next day. It has been quite the process of ups and downs.
One thing that I have learned is service truly does help heal. Whenever I feel down, if I go and serve someone in need, I feel 10x better than I did before. It’s amazing how forgetting yourself, and doing service can help you probably more than the person you helped.
Another thing that has been good for me is realizing all of my blessings that I do have. Many times I take the little things for granted, and it’s a good time of year to be overwhelmed thinking of everything I do have. I am grateful for everything that I have. Counting my blessings is nearly impossible, and helps me remember that Heavenly Father loves me, and this in turn helps me through the hard times.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Headstone 11/11/11
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Love you! The headstone turned out beautifully and I am glad that it was installed before the winter so you don't have to wait until it warms up again. I am also glad you posted this post...some days will be good and others bad, but sometimes to let your feelings out and vent (on your blog, or anywhere) is a good thing. If you ever need someone to vent to, I am always a phone call away. I would love to talk and chat with you while you vent!!
ReplyDeleteThe headstone looks great! It's okay to post the truth and tell us how it really is sometimes. It means you are human! A lot of times on our blogs (me included) we only post the good pretending to everyone around us that we have it together better than we really do! :) But the truth is that for most of us life is not perfect and NEVER turns out how we plan. You've been through a difficult time and have the right to vent every now and then. I'm sure even as your family grows, you will never forget your sweet Hailey and this "aching" for her. You are a good mother and that will never change.
ReplyDeleteI just read President Uchtdorf's talk from the General Relief Society Session about the beautiful Forget Me Not flowers. I love how he reminded us in his talk to forget not to be happy now and not to wait for our golden ticket of happiness. Then he reminds us to forget not that the Lord loves us. So awesome! The Lord really does love you and has not forgotten you or the sacrifices you make. I know He wants you to be happy. I hope you have many more good weeks and moments than bad in the near future and months to come!!! Love ya!