Our Little Angel

On February 1st we had our first ultrasound right at 20 weeks. I knew this day would be a life changer, but I never knew how much I would be affected by it. We found out that we have been blessed with a beautiful little girl: Hailey June Roberts! Our perfect little Hailey doesn't get to stay here on Earth with us, as she has a neural tube defect called anencephaly. Anencephaly is a defect that happens right at the beginning in pregnancy. The neural tube doesn't close off so everything develops normally except from the eye brows up. Thus the top part of the skull doesn't develop along with the cerebral hemispheres and cerebellum of the brain. Right now she is able to function in the womb, but in the future is all uncertain. It is pretty common for the hearts of these babies to give out sometime during pregnancy. There is a fairly high chance of Hailey going full term, but still many are stillborn due to the trauma of labor. When these babies do make it through, it could be a matter of minutes, hours, and sometimes a couple days.

I can't tell you how long I have stared at this screen so many different times, trying to figure out where to start. How to tell my story. I guess I will start with my feelings. At first I was in shock, and couldn't believe that this was happening. It seemed like my whole world stopped and how could everyone keep going on with life normal? I wanted to get very upset and feel sorry for myselft, but for some reason there was just a sense a peace, which has carried through. That same day we went up to a specialist in Provo and on the way up I thought about a lot of things. I started thinking why did I go off the birth control, I just wish it would have been a miscarriage, and all these not so good thoughts. I can't remember if it was the same day, but shortly after I realized that this is my time NOW with my precious little girl. She is an amazing spirit who's mission is to come to this Earth to get a body, and I get to be part of this. The reason we went off the birth control was because we felt it was what we needed to do. We put our trust in the Lord, and he has blessed us. The doctors gave us an option of termination. At first I thought it wasn't even an option, and I would have to go through with it, but I'm grateful to know that we are able to continue with the pregnancy. In fact the doctors both told us that if it weren't for ultrasound, they would have no idea about this, and it would be considered a normal pregnancy. So we are continuing through like a normal pregnancy. This little girl from the beginning has brought so much love into our family, and as Brett said it's amazing how much our love for her has grown, even just shortly after the ultrasound. At the time of the ultrasound, I had gotten so far down in life, and didn't think anything else could go wrong. When this happened I was really taken back, because my baby is what had kept me going. I now realize that my baby girl is still the only thing keeping me going, and she has set the bar high for Brett and I. I was reading in my journal the other day, and I would like to quote a part of it that I wrote the day I found out I was pregnant.

"I am so excited and my love for this child is so full right now. Also my joy! This truly is what life is about and I am so blessed right now. My testimony has been strengthened, and I know that I just need to trust in the plan that's been prepared for me. I'm so grateful for the opportunities I am recieving right now, and I can't wait to be a MOM and hold this little one in my arms. I love Heavenly Father, my Savior, and I know they are the only way to true Joy which I have now and always as I am faithful."

I can honestly say that these words are still ringing true today. Every last one of them. As I was reading this, it made me think of all the ways I have been prepared for this. Heavenly Father didn't just throw this at me without preparing and helping me through it. In one of my classes at Snow, I did a research project on Birth Defects, and more specifically I was the one in my group who studied neural tube defects. When the doctor started explaining and told me the name, I knew exactly what was going on. I know that my little Hailey is supposed to be here right now with me, and I am grateful for the chance that I even get time now. My Testimony has definitely been strengthened more than I ever knew it could be. I knew we were putting our trust in the Lord, but I never truly knew how much I would have to. Every day I worry about something that I have no control over. I worry about her going full term, or I wonder how labor will go. If I'll ever get to meet my sweet little girl on this Earth, but then I realize that I truly have no control over these things. This is when I have to put my trust back in the Lord, and whatever is the plan prepared for me is what I will accept. This doesn't mean that I don't hope and pray that I get to meet her, but I can't worry about it until the time comes.

I know at times I can be very sad. Having to bury a baby was definitely not something that I ever imagined I would have to do when I was 21 and in my first year of marriage. I see pregnant girls and little babies, and it makes me think how my little girl would be. What color of eyes would she have, her personality, and all of the fun things that come with having a baby. I do have my moments every day, but right now I'm trying to make the best of my time with little Hailey. I want to remember it as an enjoyable time and not a miserable one. Every little kick I want to soak in, every little memory I can. Her little ultrasound pictures are one of my greatest treasures. Right now I am 23 1/2 weeks along, and if Hailey does go full term, we will probably induce at 37 weeks. This does not leave much time, and I'm afraid that it will come much sooner than I would like. Every day brings a new challenge to get over. I do know that with Heavenly Father on my side, I can do anything. If it weren't for the knowledges that I have through the gospel, I know I would be a big wreck. I am so grateful to know that families can be together forever. Even though everything is so uncertain right now, I know that Heavenly Father is watching over me, and he does love me. I know that we don't get trials that we can't handle. I know that Jesus Christ Atoned for us, and that he can help heal us. I tell Brett constantly that time will heal, but it will always hurt. I'm grateful for everyone who has prayed for us. I know that we have been strengthened by each and every prayer. For those who want to know what you can do, please just continue praying during these next couple months. I feel like I have just been rambling. Words can't explain everything that I have been experiencing, but maybe this will give you a sense of how we are doing. We love you all, and again appreciate all of the prayers that have been offered in our behalf.

18 Weeks!

Can you see the little pooch?? It is there, but not very noticable yet!

Pictures of Nothing!

For those of you who have been bugging me about getting pictures up so you can see.... here they are!

This picture was taken at 13 weeks. Almost 3 weeks ago.

This picture I took today January 2, two days from being 16 weeks!

I promise to do better... but it's kind of hard for me to remember. I know I don't look huge, but the way I feel is totally opposite of this picture. The last little while I have been very bloated and it is not the greates feeling.

I have been doing a lot better lately morning sickness wise, but I have had a nasty cold and it has totally wiped me out energy wise. We are still doing good and have our 16 week appointment tomorrow morning which we are excited for. We will not have an ultra sound this appointment, but by next month hopefully baby will be nice and let us announce what we are going to be having!!

Big Snow Storm!

Before Christmas we were wondering if we would ever have a White Christmas, but on December 21, our power went out about 7 a.m., and as I was laying in bed I told Brett I thought I heard a snow plow go by. He didn't believe me but got up anyway to look outside, and this is the wonderful view we saw!

Our Cute little house!

Poor car buried in the Snow!

I had to go to work this day, and so I made sure the power was on in Ephraim, and sure enough it was, so I got to get ready in the dark. Brett didn't trust me driving so he took me to work. As I was at work my sister in law sent me this next photo of Brett and his brother.

Turns out they started building a Snow Cave around 1:30 p.m. because they still didn't have power and they wanted to play in the snow. They made 6 big snow balls and rolled them all together and eventually by about 8:30 p.m. that night this was the finished product.

Sorry these next two are side ways but the one is the entrance and the other is the inside when they were digging the cave out!

That night I did not get home until about 5:30 p.m. and we still did not have power. I was up watching the boys build the snow fort, and the mayor came over and made sure we all had a warm place to sleep for the night because they didn't think the power would be on 'til morning. I started thinking about all the luxuries we have with just electricity alone, and how long and cold the night could get. Finally around 8:00 p.m. after almost 13 hours, the power did come on, so we were able to have a good nights sleep.

First Trimester

The First Trimester has come and gone. At first I didn't think being pregnant was going to be very hard, and then around 8 weeks I thought differently.

1. Sickness!

I had thrown up once or twice not thinking anything of it, but one morning Brett had a job in Beaver so I tagged along with them. I woke up and ate some crackers, went to the bathroom to get ready and up they came. Well I grabbed a yogurt on the way out the door, and by about Nephi it came up as well. We took a pit stop there and I tried to get some crackers down... and again it was pointless. I just gave up and tried to sleep the rest of the way to my house. Well I was very nauseous all day, but never threw up again. Well this trend continued, and I learned I had to eat regularly On Time, and I couldn't talk about certain subjects, and many smells would make me drive heave to where I would not do so well. I still get sick occasionally but not nearly as much as I used to.

2. Tiredness!

There was a phase that I went through where I was always sooo tired. I would go to work all day, and then I would come home lay in bed and send Brett to the freezer where we lived off Freezer foods (mainly chicken nuggets and corn dogs). Nothing got done around the house, unless Brett did it, and I am very grateful for my wonderful husband and his willingness to help me with everything. The last 2 or 3 weeks I have been feeling pretty energetic, but I've realized I can still get worn out very easily.

3. Mood Swings!

Hormones are definitely raging right now in my body. One minute I can be so happy and the next I can be sad or mad. I've learned that I usually get so angry over the stupid things, and so I've been trying to be better at that. I also cry a lot more than I usually do. Any little thing can set it off as well, so watch out! lol

4. Appetite!

My appetite was gone for a while and as I mentioned we pretty muched lived off of chicken nuggets, corn dogs, and also frozen burritos. In the mornings I have NO appetite usually and even still have to force myself to eat just because I know I will get sick if I don't. I tend to eat more healthy than I ever thought I would. Some of the things I have craved are apples, salad, banana peppers, and more fruity things than anything else. I would occasionally crave chocolate, but then I would eat some of it and it would not be very good at all.

My pregnancy hasn't been too bad, but then again it is my first experience so I wouldn't know what bad is anyway. I see some girls come into the pharmacey and how sick they look makes me feel pretty good about how I've been feeling. I probably don't have any reason to complain, but I still do, but what pregnant woman doesn't? We are very excited about having this baby, and even though it has been rough here and there it will all be worth it in the end!

Baby!

So as most of you, or probably all of you know, Brett and I are going to be having a baby in June! It has been quite the journey and we are very excited. The first little while before we found out I knew that something was up, but I didn't know what. Well eventually I came to a conclusion that maybe I was pregnant. We went to the Temple one night with Brett's dad, and his brother and wife and on the way back we stopped at Wal-mart. I immediately strode over to the pregnancy tests, and Brett thought I was crazy going to buy them when his family could find out so easily. Well we snuck the tests out successfully, and everything was a go. The next day I decided I would take the test... and of course nothing. "Well if I'm not pregnant, then what is wrong with me!!," was all that would go through my mind. Well about 4 days later, I still knew something was wrong, so I went into the bathroom and took another test. I looked at it and wanted to cry because at first glance it looked negative. I looked at it again, and noticed a line I had never seen before, and I started crying. I was so excited because I was going to be a mommy, and I immediately ran to my phone to call Brett. He was at work so I whispered into the phone, "Brett you're going to be a daddy!" I'm pretty sure it came as a big shock, and he immediatley changed the subject so that his brother wouldn't think anything was up. Well proud daddy came home that night and finally could show his excited, frightened, proud, etc. emotions. Daddy has been so sweet to Baby and I, and we are very lucky to have such a wonderful man in our lives!

Holidays!

We have had fun the last couple of months spending time with family and friends. It seems like everywhere we go, I either don't take pictures, or I totally forget the camera. We went down to Beaver for Thanksgiving and spent the time there with my family. We've had our Christmas tree up since before Thanksgiving, and are finally getting it all decorated.

Brett scouted the best tree on the mountain, and retrieved it!!

And FINALLY we are getting it all decorated.

It is almost done! Finished product soon to be on!

The first weekend in December we were able to go with Brett's brother and his girlfriend to Helper to watch a light parade. I did remember the camera this time, and I even remembered to take pictures... but then the battery died! So we only got a few pictures but here they are!

We are excited to spend our first Christmas together, and wish all of you a Merry Christmas!!